"The Crying Dame" Meggan Horowitz NARRATOR: I'll never forget my first big break. I was on the crime beat, as a cub reporter for a small town rag. My assignment started out real small time, working a penny-ante dive called Tahoe's Bar and Grill to get an angle on a ring of graffiti artists. Reports had it that Tahoe's was their hangout of choice ever since this doll Maxine opened her act there. I'd gone into the club one balmy summer night to see this doll and watch the audience for telltale signs of permanent marker ink or spray paint...but that was another story. I saw Maxine, all right, and just like the hoods I was writing about- I was hooked...she was a real looker; it was love at first sight. I couldn't stay away despite Tahoe's watered down booze and soggy pretzel sticks. Thanks to Maxine's throaty voice, long legs, and platinum blonde beauty, I was in the right place at the right time- here's how it all went down... (Some ritzy, forty's music hums as a screen sets upon the stage. Behind the screen we see a man and a woman screaming. There's a noise-a slap- and then the scene blacks out. In the darkness, we hear a man scream. Slowly, the sounds of feet clunking on a floor and footsteps are heard. The screen rises with a faint whimpering in the background. After the body is dragged off, a door is revealed with "Rosen and Bob- Detectives at Large" printed on the glass. The music swells and comes to an abrupt stop.) MURRAY ROSEN: (he speaks with a distinctive Yiddish tongue) Vell, another day on the job and you Vonder why we don't get any vork! What idiot vould come to a detective agency named Rosen and BOB? BOB WINKELMAN: Did you ever stop to think that Winkelman was too long to put on the door? MURRAY: It's because you're a schlemiel, Vinkelman. It runs in your family. No self respecting man vould take a name that long! Look at all the greats- Moses, Ruth, Noah... BOB: "Jesus Christ Superstar"! MURRAY: Don't discuss religion with me! BOB: You started it. MURRAY: Oy gevalt. BOB: Just forget it. MURRAY: Forget vhat? (music swells where it had left off, previously) (A knock rings: Shave and a haircut...) BOB: Two bits. MURRAY: You idiot! It's someone knocking at the door. BOB: I know that! Answer it! MURRAY: (getting up) Oy vey. (In walks an exaggerated Marilyn Monroe look alike, sobbing. Behind her is the unnoticed narrator who's leaning against the wall.) NARRATOR: I trailed Maxine to this small time PI team's office- they called themselves Rosen and Bob. The names were printed in clear black letters on the glass door. They were quite a duo. Murray Rosen, an ex-chef for a now defunct Gourmet Kosher restaurant over on the West Side of town called the Kugel Kitchen, had met Bob Winkelman during an annual World War 2 Reenactment Group Convention at Von Steuben's Beer Garten in North Bergen. Right across the street, in Union City, was a convention of Private Eyes. Even though they were on different sides in the reenactment, they hit it off and decided to peruse the Snoopers Convention and chat. Murray and Bob had found their nitch in life and opened their own PI Agency as soon as the ink was dry on their business cards. Maxine had brought them their first big case, too... MURRAY: Ve are Rosen and (sarcastically) Bob. MAXINE: I've just lost the only man I've ever loved. Please, can you find him? BOB: (with a knowing, yet unsettling gesture) Was it MURDER? MAXINE: I have reason to believe it was! MURRAY: (Buttering up to the woman) Don't upset the client, schlemiel. (He goes to kiss her hand but Bob kicks him the ankles before he gets even half way.) BOB: Tell us what happened. MAXINE: Well, I met Frederick in my apartment, Saturday night. At 10:00, he claimed he was meeting a friend behind Tahoe's Bar and Grill, where he used to work. I told him that Tahoe's was not a good place to be at night, but being he was friends with the bouncer, Joe, I figured he'd be safe. I rode to Tahoe's at around 8 o'clock this morning to make sure he was alright, but when I arrived, Joe said that he was sorry to say that he found Freddy outside in the dumpsters- dead. Unfortunately, Joe has terribly broken English and I could not understand the rest. BOB: Tahoe's. I've been there a few times. Pretty strange place. Not a lot of atmosphere. MURRAY: Thank you for sharing that lovely picture with us, Bob. Say, do you know who that guy is who followed you here? MAXINE: I haven't the slightest idea. I thought you know him. (Stopping a moment to think) But what about Frederick? What are we going to do? MURRAY: Don't you break a nail, dear. Rosen and Bob are on the case- aren't ve? BOB: (Breaking his day dream) Yeah- whatever. Let's head down to Tahoe's. (Tahoe's Bar and Grill is a smokey place with the atmosphere of the Down the Hatch Pub. First we run into, Joe, literally. The smallest bouncer is slurping beer at a table down center.) BOB: Let me handle this, Murray. MURRAY: It's all yours. Mazel Tov. BOB: So whatta ya' know, Joe? Tell us who was here around 10:15 last night, when you found Freddy in the dumpster with yesterday's beer nuts? JOE: (Thick accents cover most of his words. All that is made out is:) All I know is I kicked out a mysterious lady who kept singing. What a pain! MURRAY: Let's not vaste our time with this guy just yet. The bartender is over there. TOM THE TENDER: So the termite says, "where is the Bar Tender?" BOB: Stop kidding around. I'm here on business, Tom. MURRAY: Yes. Ve heard a man named Frederick was killed here last night. TOM: There's no talking to Tom the Tender unless you show your detective's licence, or buy a drink. BOB: Alright. Give me a scotch on the rocks and my partner a gin and tonic. Oh, and buy the singer a Shirley Temple, from me. MURRAY: Can't you ever get serious? We are here on business. You can't be buying girls drinks. Here's my ID- Bob, show him yours. BOB: I'd rather have the drink. (The drinks arrive. The mysterious reporter/narrator, also gets a drink, along with the drunk, Luther.) MURRAY: (toasting) La Chaim. So, Tom, did you hear anything strange last night? TOM: (Cupping his hand to his ear) What? BOB: Any strange noises around? TOM: A couple of loud bangs- but at a bar like this, there's always some loud bangs. You can try asking Natalie over there. She was leaving the bar around the time of the murder. MURRAY: I'm going to go talk to her. BOB: Murray Rosen, on the prowl. MURRAY: You fool. she's a suspect. Everyone is a suspect. (He walks over, discarding his drink.) NATALIE: So what can I do for you, sweetie? MURRAY: I hate to rattle you, darling, but it seems that there vas a murder last night. Me and my partner, Bob, are investigating. NATALIE: I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about. MURRAY: Nice try. Listen, I think you have a great voice and a beautiful look, but you are our prime suspect right now. It seems that you were seen leaving the bar at 10:15, the approximate time of the murder of Frederick Masternardi. There are plenty of people who will vouch for that. NATALIE: I don't know who you are or what gave you this idea, but just because I left at 10:15, my usual time, it doesn't mean I killed Freddyboy. If you'll pardon me, I have a show to do. Step aside buddy. Don't get in the way of NATALIE: lounge performer extroardinaire. (Murray and Bob exit and go back to their office where Lindy, the secretary, is cleaning up some spilled coffee.) LINDY: There was a call from someone named Maxine, about some mysterious bar and grill murder. I hear a man named Frederick was found dead. BOB: That's right. It was the famed Hollywood producer- Frederick Masternardi. LINDY: I knew it was that creep, Frederick of Hollywood. MURRAY: How'd you know that? LINDY: (covering up her dreadful mistake) Well everyone's heard of Fred. MURRAY: Lindy. Don't hold back. This is a murder case. You know the serious nature of a murder case. LINDY: (Opening up) Well, I was in high-school with him. We went steady for a few years. After he left for college, I never heard from him again. He was supposed to keep in touch with me, but then some lounge singer came along and stole his heart. Max, a friend of mine, told me about that. I heard that his relationship with Natalie was not the first relationship since, and you could imagine how angry that got me. If only all his old girlfriends were around to talk to. We could have all plotted our revenge together. BOB: Revenge? Where were you at 10:15 on Saturday? LINDY: But... surely you don't suspect me...I loved him too much to kill him. Talk to Natalie. MURRAY: You still haven't answered our question- where were you? LINDY: Here. After you guys left, I stayed to watch T.V. on your color screen and finish up a good Harlequin. Look, Freddy was a man of many women. Every one of them had a motive. You've known me too long to suspect me of murder. Why don't you talk to the real back stabber- Natalie? MURRAY: We've already spoken to the touchy gal. She doesn't seem to be the guilty party, but then, neither do you. LINDY: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. (Handing him a letter, possibly soaked) This letter came for you today. MURRAY: (handing it back) It smells like someone dropped it in a vat of perfume. Open it up and read it to me. LINDY: Well I don't know; it says "Top Secret". MURRAY: I'm your employer, not the chick who sent this letter. Now like I said, open it up and read it to me. LINDY: Ahem. To the detectives at Rosen and Bob's- I have reason to believe that Freddyboy was struck several times by a woman pulling into the bar on Saturday night. The young lady used a pocketbook to send Freddy to his untimely death. (The narrator is opening windows to get rid of the awful smelling perfume.) MURRAY: Lindy, do you think you can identify this perfume? Maybe ve could figure out who wears it at the bar. LINDY: Smells like Chanelle #5. BOB: Listen, Murray, I don't think that a perfumed letter is a whole lot to go on. I mean, lots of women wear Chanelle. My aunt has a bottle of #5 in her medicine cabinet at home. It doesn't mean she's an eye- witness. MURRAY: Anything ve can get our hands on is evidence in this case. We have to take any leads we can get. Lindy, does that man by the vindow have an appointment? LINDY: Nah, he's been here all day. I don't know who he is, but he's pretty cute. Looks like a reporter to me. BOB: I guess you're right. PI agencies are a magnet for cub reporters. Say, do you hear water running? LINDY: I meant to tell you. The plumber just stopped by. She's working in the bathroom on that leaky faucet. BOB: I'll write her a check. What's her name? LINDY: Bianca Masternardi. BOB: Masternardi, huh. Sounds to me like we have ourselves a suspect. (The Bathroom) MURRAY: If you could keep it down, that would be great. Ve need to concentrate on the MASTERNARDI murder investigation. BIANCA: It's no secret that the victim was my cousin, so let's get that straight. It's a shame. Here's such a successful man, who lost his life to some evil conjurer. Of course, I'm not saying that it was a big surprise, the murder I mean. The man was not exactly everybody's love affair. Sure, he had his girlfriends, but so many people would have loved to see him dead. Take Stella. Stella Chartreuse. She had it all. Glamour, money, fake tears- not to mention a great stage name. She was more that just a pretty face. She was a budding star. Then Frederick gave her her big break- as a makeup artist. She was mortified. Her big chance in stardom was ruined by a man with such weight in Hollywood. She and a Joe got in really thick. She started spending all of her time at some night spot, never to show her tear stained face in Hollywood again. Now there's a chick who would want to murder the man. As for myself, I cared for my other cousin a lot more. He is definitely a little strange, but not even half as stuck up as Fred. MURRAY: You sure you weren't jealous of such a famous cousin? I mean you are- just a plumber. BIANCA: Never make fun of someone who's playing with your drains, bud. I'm a darn good plumber. Sure, I'd also be a wonderful actress, but certainly not working for any member of the Masternardi family. (Meanwhile, back at the bar, we see Maxine throwing her weight around.) MAXINE: Listen, I know about you and Stella. Just because you three didn't like Fred, it doesn't mean you had to make up that awful story for blackmail. STELLA: (Walking though the door.) Hey boys. It's the one and only Stella Chartreuse. I've got something I want to talk to you about, Tom. Well well well. If it isn't my favorite person: Maxine darling. How have you been? MAXINE: SECTION UNREADABLE STELLA: How stupid did you think we were? You knew that we were aware of Frederick's love for Natalie. Your precious Freddy was now sharing his love. What does a woman do when she's lost her one and only? I think it was pretty clever. You kill him in frustration, and bring out the secret of our blackmail. (Natalie tapes the whole conversation and brings the tape to the detective agency secretly.) MAXINE: Why should I care if Freddy was in love with Natalie. She could never amount to being his true love. STELLA: All I can say is, let your detectives do the snooping. (Back at the office, we hear the end of the tape exposing the blackmail and possibly Maxine.) BOB: Client or no client, we can't ignore this tape. Maxine had a terrific motive and has no alibi. As far as we know, she was in her apartment alone at the time of the murder. MURRAY: How do you know that this tape isn't just a set up? Any one of the suspects could have sent it to incriminate Maxine or Stella and the guys. BOB: Picture this. Maxine calls Freddy and disguises her voice as Natalie. Aware of their affair, she asks him to meet Natalie at the grill. Then, she calls up as Maxine and invites him to her apartment. Maxine begs him to stay, knowing full well that he is going to want to randez vous with Natalie at Tahoe's even more if he thinks it's against Maxine's will. Frederick leaves and Maxine jumps in the car to follow him. When Fred gets to Tahoe's, Maxine bounds out of her car and hits him over the head with her pocket book. She speeds off. A day later, she drops off a letter in disguise knowing that with the perfume soaked letter, we will suspect that it is she who is dropping us a lead. Unfortunately, it's the oldest trick in the book. MURRAY: What book have you been reading? First of all, Maxine would have sprayed the letter with the scent that she wears- not Chanelle. Second, she doesn't call Freddy "Freddyboy" like it says in the letter, but I know who does- Natalie. Third, there are at least six people with motives and none of them have solid alibis. Ve don't know for certain that the killer was a female. At 10:15, it is too dark to make out the figures of ordinary people. As far as I'm concerned, everyone's a suspect. Where vere you on the night of the murder? Where was I? BOB: Well, I'm going down to the grill, with or without you, Murray. (Bob runs out to catch Maxine, followed by Lindy, who perked up at the name Natalie, the plumber, who incidentally was eaves dropping, and Murray.) MURRAY: (Running into the bar, tripping, and feeling quite stupid) Shalom. TOM: And the termite says, "Is the bar tender here?" BOB: Hello, Tom. I won't be having a drink tonight, but I would like to know if Maxine is here. TOM: Well actually, she is just about to start her act. MURRAY: She is? I mean, she vorks here? BOB: So Murray, she's not the innocent dame that you thought she was? MURRAY: (with a dirty look in Bob's direction) I'm going to talk to Natalie again. She's still on my list of suspects. BOB: Be my guest. (over where Natalie is) NATALIE: Can't you see I'm about to go on stage? MURRAY: That's a lovely perfume you're vearing- could it be Chanelle #5? NATALIE: Well actually, it is. But why... MURRAY: I'm asking for Freddyboy! NATALIE: Oh, I get it. You're talking about that note. MURRAY: Vhat note? NATALIE: Very funny. I don't care if you know that I was the mysterious messenger. So I sent the note- what difference does it make now? MURRAY: Tell me, why did you say that a female murdered Frederick with a pocketbook if you were a suspect and very capable of fitting the traits you observed in your letter? NATALIE: Being that I spend most of my time in this bar, I figured out the story behind Stella, Joe, and Tom. I knew that Maxine had to say something sooner or later, and expose Stella and her blackmail. If it was clear that a woman murdered Freddy, than you might see that Stella and Maxine had excellent motives, nor did they have alibis. Now if you'd please excuse me, I have a crowd awaiting my performance. MURRAY: I'm afraid I can't. You are a suspect, letter or no letter, and right now, we need you to give us as much information as you can. Please, come with me. (The camera follows them over to Bob and Maxine) BOB: So Maxine, we have strong reason to believe you committed the heinous murder of Frederick Masternardi. You see, first we received this letter- (He reads the letter) MAXINE: (In a man's voice) How insulting. I never carry a pocketbook except for when I'm doing my routines here at the grill. (He takes off his wig) Listen, I know I should have revealed my true identity long ago. My name is Max, not Maxine. I needed a little extra money so I began moonlighting as a lounge singer. It was the only job I could get, even if it meant impersonating a female. The only problem was that the boss never would have hired me if he knew I was really a man, so I kept up my stage personality. NATALIE: So you mean to tell me that you were never going out with Freddy? MAXINE: Of course not. Frederick was my identical twin brother. MURRAY: So you mean to tell us that you were a man all along? That's too bad- I had my eye on you. Well Bob, looks to me like Max has no motive anymore. BOB: Looks like you're right. The only problem is, everyone in here has a motive, minus Luther, the drunk, of course. STELLA: You keep saying "everyone has a motive". But why would I want to kill a man that was providing me with enough blackmail money to start my own Hollywood Studio? BOB: You've got a point. TOM: Now that that little misunderstanding has been cleared up, (he's speaking to the reporter) let me tell you a little joke. A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?" (Joe hears the joke and it strikes a funny bone. He starts laughing really hard and begins to choke. Tom gets behind him and dutifully performs the Heimlich Maneuver. Out comes a detective's ID card with a picture of Bob on it. Suddenly, Joe can speak eloquently.) JOE: One hundred thanks go out to you. I offer you my gratitude with the deepest sincerity. NATALIE: (Picking up the ID card) What's this? It has Bob's picture on it! MAX: (Looking closely at the card) You know, even in this mug shot you look awfully familiar. MURRAY: Bob, how did your Identification card get here? You're such a schlemiel- misplacing your Detective ID like that. JOE: I found that card outside near Fred's body. I figured it was pretty important evidence, so I grabbed it and put it in the safest place I could think of- my mouth. Everybody just thought I had an accent, and as the days passed, I forgot about the little crumpled up card on my palette. MAX: The card reads Robert Winkelman...that's who you look like. My girlfriend, Roberta Winkelman. Come to think of it, I haven't seen her around lately. (She rips off his wig to reveal Roberta.) I didn't know you were a cross dresser. ALL OTHERS in bar including drunk: Neither did we! ROBERTA: I didn't know Fred was your twin brother. ALL OTHERS in bar including drunk: Neither did we! MAX: Well, you do now. Bob- or should I say Roberta- you have a lot of explaining to do. ROBERTA: All right, all right. I came into the bar late at night after the agency closed down, and saw what I thought was you in the bar holding hands with Natalie. I couldn't bare the thought of you cheating on me like that. BIANCA: Come to think of it, Roberta talked to me a few times about suspecting that Max was having an affair with Natalie. I tried to tell him that it was more likely to be my other cousin, Frederick, but he was too infuriated to believe me. ROBERTA: I was parking my car behind the bar for my usual night cap when I saw Natalie coming out the rear exit to meet, what I assumed, was Max. In a fit of rage, I threw open the car door, bounded toward the couple, and hit Max over the head- only it wasn't Max. It was Frederick. I had forgotten about the piece of metal pipe from our broken sink, that was in my pocketbook. I never meant to kill anyone, but that piece of pipe was just too much for Fred to take. The next day when I saw Max in his "work clothes", I knew I had gotten the wrong person. I figured that I would blame the murder on the most likely suspect, little did I know, too many suspected had come along. I'm so sorry (she begins to cry), I never meant to hurt anyone. I should have trusted you, Max. MAX: You should have, Roberta. I never suspected it was you. MURRAY: To think I invited this murderer to my niece's Bat Mitzvah. Mazel Tov Roberta. You managed to kill your boyfriend's brother, lose the best friend you've ever had, and get yourself thrown into jail, all in one day. I always knew you were a schlemiel, but I never suspected you were a murderer. LINDY: I always knew Frederick was a two-timer! STELLA: And a thief. MAX: Frederick couldn't help the way he was. He was a victim, a victim of love, as we all are here tonight. Well, if you'll please excuse me, the show must go on. (She puts on her wig and continues with the show!) NARRATOR: (The music begins once again) So you can imagine my surprise when I found out that the gal who set my heart in motion wasn't a gal at all. I can't complain, though. She was good to me. Without Maxine- or Max, rather- I'd still be looking for the graffiti boys today. Incidentally, I got curious about the street graffiti artists again, and found them at a bar a little further down the road, named Tulsa's Barnyard Grill. When I saw the lounge act that the gang of street artists were worshipping every night, I told them I wouldn't report them to the paper, and sent them off to Tahoe's, to see the little night act starring Maxine Masternardi. I just sent out a cub reporter to cover the vandalism problem at Tahoe's Bar and Grill last week, if you get my drift.